Creatively Healing

I don’t want to feel,
I’m never gonna heal.
Life’s too much for me,
Hopelessness is all I see.

Every time I try,
Things just go awry.
I’ve tried harder than ever before,
Yet, I always land at hell’s open door.

It’s not that I want to die,
I just need life to be more than a constant cry.
I know God has more for me to do,
I just can’t find the right way to see it through.

I fail everywhere I turn,
Then cry until my eyes burn.
I want to do more & thrive,
But the truth is, I fight just to stay alive.

I may be cursed, but I know I’m blessed.
I work hard every day and still fail life’s test.
I’m exhausted & broken & overwhelmed with grief.
The enemy consumes me; I know he’s a thief.

I feel I’m being punished for sins, not my own.
The harshness of their penalties are painfully shown.
I pray & I pray, asking God to help;
Then, not long after, another lashing, another welt.

I’m only human, a mere mortal left to suffer.
Dear God, where are You? Why aren’t You my buffer?
My heart is hurting, my spirit is broken;
I guess all I am is a pawn in this twisted game of life… a mere tarnished token.

I ask for so little & get even less.
I ask for forgiveness, my sins, I confess.
I just want to feel supported; that my life has not been in vain.
A regular morsel of hope so I can try to remain.

I don’t want to be traumatized nor live in fear.
I don’t want the constant high-pitched screeching in both of my ears.
I don’t want to constantly worry about how I’m going to pay my bills;
This only serves to cause more stress that leads to even more physical ills.

I don’t want the constant nerve pain due to brutal tooth extractions,
The pain is too much to bear, then add in pangs of contractions.
I still can’t wear a denture & am totally distraught.
All I have done this year has been in vain, NO MATTER HOW HARD I HAVE FOUGHT!!!

I’m forced to keep secrets that aren’t even mine.
The weight of them are drowning me, I will NEVER again be, “fine.”
With this comes isolation, more severe than I’ve ever known.
I’m wilting & withering inside, where I’d worked so hard & had grown.

My Psoriasis brands me and leaves me ashamed & in pain.
My Psoriatic Arthritis leaves me in a painful prison’s chains.
My bowel & bladder diseases make it impossible to go out & have fun.
I’m trapped in a body being held hostage with each disease’s gun.

Treatment Resistant Depression is a torturous hell.
There is no escape from this Super Maximum Security Jail.
My Anxiety is overwhelming; it keeps me from sleeping;
No matter what I do to try to ease it, it is always seeping.

My PTSD has consumed me due to the horrific events I’ve experienced this year;
One trauma after another, I’m surrounded by fear.
I’ve picked my skin so much that I could make several more coverings.
And, other self-harm ways have closely been hovering.

I hate my fat body & have even stopped eating;
I destroyed my metabolism, so weight loss is fleeting.
I’ve purged, I’ve starved, and I’ve binged until I was sick;
Unable to exercise or afford weight-loss shots; looks like I will always be “thick.”

Doctors have destroyed me & they don’t give a damn.
I’m judged by my weight & and appearance, I always am.
My trust has been broken, my faith has been sunk.
My health is worse than ever, my mind’s even more full of junk.

This year has destroyed me; how could it not?
Filled with trauma, pain & isolation, unsurvivably fraught.
I’ve fought, kicked & screamed at the enemy , and even God, too.
I now lay down my damaged armor & sword, that’s all that I have the energy left to do.

I pray God is listening & beg him to hear,
I need His mercy, grace & hope to drive away my enemy’s fear.
I need rest, peace & love to show me that I am deserving;
Then maybe, just maybe, deep down inside, I can find the most miniscule amount of strength I didn’t know I was reserving.

–Pam Burton (©️ Pam Burton 2024)
10/10/2024