Creatively Healing

This has been a very challenging week for me & I have found myself stuck in a cycle of self-blame.  I lost my Dad 8 years ago on January 15th.  Something I haven’t shared until recently is that I blame myself for his death.  Logically, I realize this is not true, but on a heart level, I believe that it is.

You see, my Dad was terminally ill & I cared for him 24/7/365.  He had a Left Ventricular Assist Device (LVAD) implanted 10 months prior, which turned out to be a nightmare.  His LVAD ran on either 2 batteries or his  home charging station (electricity).  I could write a short book about all of the complications that he suffered while in 2 separate surgeries on his implant day, as well as when he came home.  For now, I will leave it at this.

I gave him the best critical care possible.  Thankfully, I was a nurse, as his insurances only paid for a certain number of home care visits after every hospitalization.  Respite wasn’t covered.  He was on 3 different types of insulin; multiple medications, including blood thinners; required sterile dressing changes where his LVAD line came out of his abdomen; required a bunch of other care; as well as cooking, cleaning, taking him to multiple doctor appointments, and more.

He slept very little.  Had developed dementia after he suffered a stroke during his LVAD Implant surgery.  He was a handful, to say the least.  But, I loved him & did more than one human should try to do.  We had recently enrolled him in Hospice home care & we learned that they had a 5 day respite care benefit. 

When I decided to send him to Inpatient Hospice care, I was so far beyond mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  For 8 years now, I have regretted that choice.  They gave him the very minimum of care; discontinued his insulin and some other meds; sent him home to me with his urinary cather completely kinked off (for who knows how long); he was running a 103° fever, was confused, and dying right before my eyes.   

I cried & apologized to my Dad for sending him to Inpatient care when he got home & I got him stabilized.  He told me not to worry.  But, for those of you who know me, I worry about every small detail of everything!  My Dad died less than 48 hours after coming home from Inpatient care.

Only God knows the answer to all of my, “What-if” & “Why” questions.  He also knew the day He would take my Dad.  However, I can’t help but feel indirectly responsible for my Dad’s death.  This weekend, I have thought so much about what led up to not just needing, but having to have some respite.  Self-compassion has been something that I am not particularly skilled at.  However, today, I am trying to extend grace to myself and show compassion for myself.  I’m even calling today, “Self-care Sunday,” which I have been doing great at self-caring.

As so many of you know, being compassionate for others is easy.  Being compassionate for ourselves is hard.  So, I’d like to challenge you to do at least 3 kind things for yourself over the next 3 days.  And, allow yourself to be human.  We all deserve our own compassion, especially during challenging times, times of grief & sorrow, and at times when we feel we do not deserve it!

I finished this drawing yesterday.  I am posting the original drawing that I got from Pintrest (Artist Unknown), as well as My rendering.  Thanks for stopping by!  See ya next time!